Old And Dusty Wounds

So I guess this means we're moving into another phase of the relationship. Leroy, after almost a year of fun and hanging out, finally had to disappoint me...at least that's the way he saw it.

I remember being a kid and being terrified of disappointing my parents - especially my father. Growing up in an alcoholic and abusive environment, I learned that disappointment, of any kind led to pain, be it physical, mental, or emotional. So I did all I can to avoid it. There were times, of course, when I didn't do something right, when I stayed out a little too late, or picked on my brother one too many times, or just took a breath at the wrong time...ouch!

This led me to learn that any time I do something 'wrong' I would stay silent, I'd lie, I'd whatever to avoid any more pain. See, I didn't learn a healthy relationship with consequence. My consequences were way to painful to confront, and being a kid - not making mistakes - kind of hard to do. After a while, any time something bad would happen to someone in the family, be it my mother, my brothers, my sister, I would find a way to blame myself. Hiding my faults created the illusion that everything was my fault. So when my father died, and I was the only one around before he did, it had to be my fault. It was something I did - maybe something I didn't do. He left because of me - he died because of me.

I lived with this haunting belief for decades. If I do something wrong - people leave.

Leroy called me to tell me he was confused. He made a commitment to go to a family reunion (not his) on the same day he told me we'd go whitewater rafting. After talking it through, he told me his confusion was around what to do - do I disappoint my friend and say I won't go to the reunion, do I disappoint Greg and say I won't go rafting? I told him this was a great life lesson. Sometimes people schedule two things at once - overlooking one. When this happens we need to make a choice. We need to choose with clarity, knowing that someone will be affected by our decision. He told me that he felt it was the right thing to go to the reunion. I asked him if he was worried about me being angry - he said yes. I asked him if he thought he disappointed me - he said yes. I asked him if he was still confused - he said no. I told him I was sad that we wouldn't be together for the trip.

I felt a strong urge to ensure him and tell him I wasn't leaving, to ensure him that I understood. I wanted to tell him that everything was ok. I realized shortly after, that it was me that I wanted to ensure. His experience brought up some old and dusty wounds. I felt a great sense of sadness around the pain I experienced as a child and was able to feel some of that through all of this...what a great gift!

- gt